iPhone is not dolphin safe

We all know the iPhone will make phone calls, let you listen to your music, and browse the web with unprecedented ease. But we know there’s one thing you’re dying to know: how does it work underwater?

The Onion’s Flappy the Dolphin got his flippers on an iPhone last month and put the touchscreened wonder to the ultimate test: submersion.

When I was satisfied that it seemed to work well on dry land, I took it straight to the bottom of the pool. After five seconds, the screen went black and the device became unresponsive. I was so furious I leapt out of the water and hurled the iPhone at the poor Apple rep, who made a rather sheepish exit.

Don’t feel too bad: the BlackBerry Curve 8300 and Palm Treo 680 didn’t fare any better in Flappy’s scientifically conducted experiments.

The iPhone apparently made the rounds at The Onion first, since the paper has also put together a look at some of the device’s lesser known features, including:

Nanotechnology enables it to reassemble itself when thrown against wall

When moved from hand to ear, makes Lightsaber sound effects

Comes with an iPhone hat, so people know you own an iPhone during the brief periods you’re not using it

As the Dark Lord of the Sith himself put it, upon trying Apple’s latest handheld: “Impressive. Most impressive.”

[Thanks, Curt]